


The Second Hardest Thing

by sungabraverday



Category: Bloodlines Series - Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy Series - Richelle Mead
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-27
Updated: 2012-08-27
Packaged: 2017-11-13 01:01:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/497650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sungabraverday/pseuds/sungabraverday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sydney goes back to Adrian to explain why they can't be, no matter how much she wants it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Second Hardest Thing

"I'm sorry," I said, standing there at the door of the apartment that might have been mine. Adrian considered me for what felt like an eternity, and then let me in. I sat on the couch, every nerve on edge, every muscle tense. This was the second hardest thing I could imagine, preceded only by breaking away from the Alchemists. 

He went into the kitchen and came out with two cans of cola. He popped the top of one open and held it out to me. Diet. The littlest thing, but it calmed my nerves, just a little bit. I took it, holding it tightly with both hands and sipped a little bit off the top, just enough so it wouldn't spill. Adrian watched me, saying nothing. It was up to me to start this.

I took a deep breath and another sip of soda. I was calm, I was was in control, I was the voice of reason. I could do this. "I'm sorry," I started again. "I said some things... that aren't right. There's some things... the Alchemists aren't always right. And I know that, I've known it for a while. But it doesn't matter. It..."

Who was I trying to fool? Myself? Adrian? I had no control over this. I didn't want this. Tears came unbidden to my eyes. This was the hardest thing I had ever done. "I swore. To obey. To protect. They own me. It doesn't matter what I want or what I think."

"It does."

"It doesn't!" A sob shook me to my core, and I clutched at the can of soda like a lifeline. Tears blurred my vision, and I blinked, letting them run freely down my face. Here, for just a moment, I could let my heart win. I didn't have to pretend. I didn't think I could pretend.

"Sydney," he said, sitting beside me, voice soft, "it always matters what you think. It will always matter to me."

My voice was hoarse, punctuated with long shaking breaths just to get words out. "They don't care." I touched the lily on my cheek, the silent reminder of the promises that I had made and was breaking. "They've never cared and they'll never care."

"You don't have to be what they want! We get to decide what we want to be. _You_ get to decide." My own words again.

I shook my head, placing my soda on the ground. "I already made my choice, Adrian. I chose too young, and I chose wrong. But I made it and I can't change that. Even if I want to... I can't. There's no way." I didn't say that I was going looking for a way to make a new decision. There were too many ways it could go wrong, and I didn't want anyone in my make-shift family taking the blame for it any more than they inevitably would. 

I looked up, my eyes meeting his. I needed him to see the truth that I couldn't say. He did, and his voice was little more than a reverential whisper as he said the words I left hanging. "But you would. You'd stay. You love me."

I almost smiled at it. Such simple words should never have been so hard for me to find. But a memory leapt forward and stifled the moment, and I turned away. "Do you know what the worst insult an Alchemist can give is? Vamp lover. The worst thing in the world. Keith called me that, accused me of it, before I even came here, just because of my part in the Court breakout and finding Jill. _Before_. I was dreading re-education before this, before Palm Springs. Before it was true." My voice broke, and I shook my head. "I can't do this, I can't."

"But you want to."

My voice was louder than I expected, but neither of us flinched. "You don't understand. I _can't_. You didn't see Keith after... after what they did to him. And they sent him back for more. They'd _never_ let me out. It's bad enough that I'm on friendly terms with any of you, but..." I'd never felt so frustrated or so desperate in my entire life. All I wanted was for him to take me in his arms and hold me and fight off all the horrors that were crawling into the cracks in my life. All I wanted was for him to stay as far away as he could before they caught him too. All I wanted was to not be torn apart.

Adrian watched me, intense green eyes studying the tears that poured down my face, the pounds that had fallen from my frame as my anxiety made me eat even less than usual, the untameable mess that was my hair in even more disarray than usual, the dark shadows under my eyes, and something more than any of that. My aura. He must know, he must see it, everything I was trying to say.

I was about to speak again, when he surprised me. "Okay."

I looked up sharply, straight into his eyes. He held my gaze. "They'd take your mind, Sage, and I'm never letting them have that," he said simply.

There really _was_ no one who knew me better, I realized. And in that moment, I wanted to throw away everything that I had worked so hard for since I had arrived, because what could ever match this feeling of completeness? 

But no, I wasn't going to do that. It wouldn't last unless I did this. I looked away. "Thank you." It was all I could do.

He moved toward me, and placed his hands on either side of my head, holding me steady as he kissed the top of my head. It wasn't what he really wanted to do; I could feel that with every fiber of my being. But he still managed to make my heart flutter and warmth rush through my veins, to convey all the emotion that he wanted me to know.

And then he let me go.

I've been lonely before, but that was the worst kind of loneliness I've ever experienced. I didn't trust myself to speak, so I let my eyes try to say all the words I couldn't. _I want to stay. I love you. I'm so, so sorry._ And then I stepped past him, and walked out the door.

He didn't try to stop me, and I didn't turn back until I had reached Latte. I sat in the car and felt my heart break, and when I risked a glance back, I saw Adrian standing at the window watching. I turned forward and rubbed the remaining tears from me eyes, and started the car.

I knew what I was going to do, what I needed to do. If there was a way to escape the Alchemists - and I didn't know if there was - but if there was, then I was going to find it. I would do whatever it took. And then - then I would come back. But until then, until I was free, I needed this, no matter how much it hurt us all.


End file.
